Harga Kasih Sayang

Pagi ni macam dah jadik morning ritual, aku singgah pada blog-blog yg aku selalu frequent. Memula blog redribbon, belajar menginsafi diri dengan kisah2 HIV, pastu gi blog lovebaby baca dia mengomel and off topic sambil aku senyum simpul, pastu lak click blog anamiraa- dari senyum simpul aku senyum lebar - haa eksyen lagi pandai buat kueh, kan dah gemuk, dari situ, aku click blog idham - a clear blue sky.. dan senyuman aku jadik mati tiba-tiba.

Aku tak penah kenal Mr & Mrs D. Aku tau kewujudan diaorang pun dari blog Idham - yang memang tak kenal aku pun! Aku tak penah tinggal komen let alone nak call/ym etc etc untuk introduce diri aku ataupun join program-program yang diaorang anjurkan.

Tapi kadang-kadang bila lewat malam, aku terfikirkan kehidupan orang-orang yang aku tak kenal dan tidak pernah mengenali diri aku ni. Kadang-kadang aku rasa diri aku ni kecik sangat dibandingkan dengan diorang ni. Kadang-kadang aku rasa diri aku ni beruntung sangat sebab Allah dah beri apa yang aku ada sekarang dan aku tak cukup bersyukur ke atas segalanya.

Aku dah follow kisah Mr & Mrs D sejak sebulan lepas. Aku rasa diaorang loving couple malah lebih loving dari aku n dear hubby. Mungkin keadaan mereka membuatkan timbul kesedaran untuk lebih menghargai pasangan masing-masing. Lebih-lebih lagi bila kita tahu yang time is not on our side.

Bila Mrs. D decided to show their family pictures, hati aku sayu mengenangkan kehidupan diaorang. Wajah-wajah riang Mr & Mrs D suami isteri penuh kasih sayang, saling tak tumpah macam senyuman aku n dear hubby dalam gambar-gambar kami. In split second, they could have easily been us.

Bila ada masa, aku baca balik post Mrs. D yang mula-mula. Dari start Mr. D tak de penyakit, sampailah ke post terakhir Mrs. D semalam tentang sambutan hari jadi suaminya.

Betapa kecil aku rasa diri aku ni kerana aku pernah meminta-minta dear hubby belikan itu ini. Hakikatnya aku tau dear hubby kadang-kadang tak mampu, dan permintaan aku tu hanyalah gurauan. Tapi deep down, aku berharap yang dear hubby akan mampu satu hari nanti dan actually hadiahkan apa yang pernah aku minta.

Lain sungguh dengan Mrs. D yang hanya mahukan 'more of you each day' dari Mr. D. Dan apparently hanya Allah yang tahu apa baik untuk umatnya. Pagi tadi, dari blog Idham, aku dapat tahu Mr. D sudah kembali ke rahmatullah - Al fatihah.

Aku tahu betapa sukarnya bagi keluarga Mr & Mrs D (Mrs. D especially) untuk menerima hakikat itu walaupun mereka sangka they are spiritualy prepared for the hit. Tak kira berapa lama tempoh yang diberikan oleh Doktor atau berapa kita tekun kita berdoa untuk diberi kekuatan dariNya. Aku tahu perasaan menerima berita kematian dan menyangkakan diri telah cukup bersedia untuk sebarang kemungkinan.

Hakikatnya, hanya masa yang akan menyembuhkan luka dan kekecewaan di hati. Dan perasaan rindu yang akan mendatang nanti, tidak akan pernah kurang dan one day, kita akan lena berendam air mata kerana perasaan rindu yang teramat sayang pada orang tersayang yang telah pergi. Kalau kita bernasib baik, mereka akan hadir dalam mimpi dan mengubat sekelumit kerinduan kita. Hanya doa dan harapan agar satu hari nanti, kita akan dipertemukan semula di ambang syurga jika diperkenanNya.

Aku tak tahu samada Mrs. D akan menyambung blognya dan memberikan update terkini keadaan keluarga selepas hari ni. Kalau aku berada dalam tempat Mrs. D, aku rasa aku tak mampu untuk membaca semula apa yang pernah aku tulis tentang hati dan perasaan aku waktu Mr. D masih ada.

Apa pun, aku berharap Mr. D sempat bertemu keluarganya seperti yang diceritakan oleh Mrs. D. Aku berharap Mr. D pergi dengan tenang dan dalam dakapan keluarganya. Aku harap Mrs. D terus tabah dan terus tenang sepertimana dia telah tabah dan tenang menjaga Mr. D sepanjang masa.

Post kali ini dedicated khas untuk Mrs. D - wanita tabah yang tidak pernah tahu betapa kagumnya aku pada dia. Hanya Allah yang tahu pengorbanan Mrs. D dan memberi balasan syurga yang sewajarnya.

Aku doakan arwah Mr. D ditempatkan dikalangan orang-orang yang soleh. Aku doakan agar kedua-dua Mr. D dan Mrs. D dipertemukan dan dijodohkan semula di kehidupan selepas ini.

- Amin -

MY RAYA STORY & ETC

SELAMAT HARI RAYA KORANG...
semoga bergembira di hari raya!!

yeah yeah yeah..i know the well wishes came too late. But what the heck, raya kan sebulan. Plus i was swamped with works few days before raya tu, tak sempat la esey nak memblog.

(p/s : pic raya ngan pak & step mom aku - baru teringat pic family sendiri tak sempat nak snap)

I have visited few blogs today. and of course, semua kisah raya and pictures raya la kan. But can i NOT talk about raya but something else today? Of course la cannot kan.. So here goes my raya story and carca marba story all in one.

This year raya was an exceptionally tiring experience. First the house cleaning. This was not the 1st raya we had at our own house. But the 1st RAYA si cenonet tu ada kaki and dah berakal. Last year, she wasnt even 1 yo and was down with fever. So melepek la the entire day and the ever the clever moi had devised a plan dengan membagi ubat demam to her that very early raya morning. So last raya we were saved with raya prep hassle with her being sick. Hantu jahanam punya mak! buleh tak seronok anak sakit waktu raya!!

BUT THIS RAYA..after series of demam etc etc in September (read my previous blog- dont know la how to link) She was super healthy and very demanding. Demanding read: mainan kena ada depan mata tak leh kemas..sticker favourite kena stick kat tv..tak leh cabut..

We planned to get helper to come and clean the house. Tapi cam nak berjimat sket kan, so hubby telah mengoffer kan dirinya untuk mengemas. (read previous blog > laki aku ni kan Mat Pengemas rumah). I truly honestly believe he is capable of doing all the kemas mengemas. Tapi cam kesian lak kat dia kan coz he had to do all the things by himself. Moi awal awal dah exclusion clause saya tak larattttt...

So that friday a day before raya, he was off membasuh tingkap, fans, dapur etc etc. Pagi pagi lagi lepas sahur, apparently he had hiden all cenonet's toys and books. Aku sah sah la tak sedar sebab lepas makan straight tido..hahaha..benda ni kena buat waktu si kecik tu takde, kalau tak, nanti dia memekak aje tak bagi kitaorang kemas barang dia.

So..1 task down tapi cenonet dah cam selenge sebab takde toys nak main. So the entire day tu, asyik acting up while hubby sibuk mengemas rumah and aku yg tak larat nak buat semua benda ni.. sampaikan kena lepuk cubit siap dengan aku. kejam kejam.

The finale of the day was, when dear hubby was mopping the floor, cenonet was so eager to save her mickey mouse, she fell flat face on the floor (she was ordered to seat on the sofa) and pecah both her upper and lower lips. Nasib baik tak pecah gigi you!!

By the time hubby finished polishing the house, it was already 6.45 p.m. Rushed to my inlaw for iftar (hehehe inlaw tinggal 5 minutes away je) and then rushed to my Ayah's house to spend a nite there.

Raya morning, luckily not much hassle. Cuma aku aje la sakit badan sebab spend the nite atas couch. Kat umah pak aku we slept in the living room. Dengan badan yang maha berat ni, jangan mimpi la i could get a decent sleep on the toto aje kan. Come to think about it..hell..i havent been getting a decent nite sleep since i turned 28 wks!!

Now..lets talk about raya. You guys know how big a family i married into. Hubby ada 12 siblings la!!! That alone was exclusive of the neighbouring aunties and their own families.

By 11.00 a.m. we were already at my inlaw's place - AGAIN. hahaha. Eh lupa lak nak mention, Aku n hubby orang KL daaa...My ayah is in keramat and my inlaw (as in pak cik mak cik nenek adik beradik etc) kat segambut. So you go figure la how i spend my traffic-jam-free raya.

To cut the long story short, raya ni aku rasa cam aku ni batu belah batu bertangkup. I will 'park' myself at one corner or sofa (since i could not possible sit on the floor at my current condition) and stay there until its time to go to another house. Makan minum akan diambilkan oleh ever the baik hati laki ku itu (please minus mukanye yg mencuka) or anak anak buah hubby yang sangat ramai itu. Isk isk isk..pathetic tahap gaban kan.

But what can i do?? This pregnancy is definitely killing me. I cannot walk because the pressure is too much on my pelvic and tummy. Its as if my tummy could drop down any second if i stand on my feet too long. lets not mentioned these very close to pain-sensation im feeling on my opening and more that braxton hicks (i know its braxton hicks but its so unbearable ok!!) that seems to 'attack' me 24-7. Sheesh..memang la haku tak larat.

Good thing is, im close to broke (monetary wise - though i dont know how THAT could be a good thing), so it means no shopping for babies stuff, and no walking for me...HUrray!! And on that note...i still have not bought any baju for lil' seed due to the uncertainty of one very important aspect - DUH!!! its gender!!! but no worries on that, hubby can always shop for rompers and jumpers when he (im still crossing my fingers) is out.

On another note (sadder this time) i lost a dear uncle on the 5th of Raya. The facts of his death is still a bit unclear. Whether its heart attack or his asthma. And the saddest thing was (or should i say good thing?) , we just visited him on 2nd day of Raya and he was looking dandy and happy. Hmm..dah namanya ajal maut di tangan tuhan. At least, the family gets to spend 1st Raya with him kan?

On a similar note, thanks to those yg comments on my previous posts. Thank you for the doa' and well wishes. Im trying my damn best when writing that post to sound jolly - but the fact is, i am just a human being and so as you guys. Be nice to your mom no matter how difficult they can be (dont we all know this!! and im referring to my Ayah when im saying this). Live without regrets!!

p/s : will try to post pictures later. Cam ngok je entry panjang2 takde pic

Burung apa tu mak?

Korang tengok tak iklan tu? Burung apa tu nak? Burung Murai...

Aku tak sempat nak lalui saat 'Burung Murai' ngan mak aku. She passed away at the age of 49 when i was just about 22 years old due to breast/lung cancer.

I dont want to tell sad story today. Raya is not the time for teary eyes. I want to recapture the good and happy memories i had with dear mak. Now a mother myself, i am creating my own 'memories' with dear cenonet. One day she will read this blog (hopefully) and if she does not, i can always read it myself and re-visited the memories.

The thing that i remember most about mak was she can really scream!! Hahaha!! Nag and nag and nag!! boy she could nag. When i was growing up, i could just turned deaf ears at her nagging. Now, that she is gone, not that im missing any of her nagging - moi only being frank - but i understand why she scream and nag.

As time goes by, when i matured into adulthood, we developed a closer bond. Mak was diagnosed cancer when i was 18. Sometime during the same year, i met dear hubby. The thing i remembered most was the day i came up to her. She was lying on her bed after series of chemo, looking weak and fragile but always a smile on her face.

I crept up at her and lied down beside her and said these exact words:

"Mak, an rasa an dah jatuh cinta la"

Hahahha..i cant really believe i said that. But i did and Mak was acting cool and asking me who the guy was. Its freaking thinking that Alesha may be saying the exact thing to me one day.

I dont know what Mak did after that. But knowing her, she would probably told Ayah. Mak never kept a secret from Ayah. When i first had my menses, Mak announced it over dinner infront of the family. Mind you, i am the only girl! To say i was embarrased of the fact - well not really.

I think we had been raised by Mak and Ayah to be very open about anything amongst us. I dont really have hugs and kisses relationship with my brothers, but we can talk and we can be frank about most of the things.

And also this thing about Mak's hair. You see, Mak was, well i cant say she was drop dead gorgeous, but she was very comely and pretty in her own way. When she was younger, she had long straight hair to her waist. It was a black and white photo she had with Ayah. So i dont really know whether her hair was shiny.

But Mak had the most beautiful complexion. She was so fair and hairless!! very unlike the hairy me! I remembered one time, i asked Mak why her hair was getting frizzy and starting to curl. She shrugged and said she wondered why herself.

I inherited Mak's straight hair. But now, I think my hair is looking more and more like Mak's fizzy hair now. Hmm...guess the fizzy hair genes only resurfaced
once i had baby..

There was also this time, after series of chemo - Mak had to undergone several session in 5 years time as the cancer kept recurring - I remembered going back home during weekend. Mak had this special lazy chair in front of tv where she will seat all day long.

So on that particular day, after being away on college for a week, i remembered stepping inside the house, and staring straight into Mak's balding hair. Botak licin you. She didnt even had eyebrows!!

Mak was smiling sheepishly and i remembered saying something like .."Ni sami buddha mana ni??!!" We ended up burst out laughing together.

Thats Mak how i remember her. Strong, cheerful, loud woman. The backbone of the family. The glue that stick us together.

Semoga roh arwah mak dicucuri rahmat.

p/s dah tak boleh nak menulis lagi..Aku dok tahan air mata je ni

Highlight of my day

Dalam kehidupan sehari-hari aku yang memboringkan ni. Ada 3 'events' yg menceriakan hari aku.

1. Di bangunkan pagi oleh cenonet.

This is how we sleep. On a queen bed, 2 pillows each, and a bolster between us. Cenonet la ni tau peluk bolster walaupun bolster tu sangatla besar untuk dia. Aku tido memang la peluk bolster tu. So bila dia terjaga dulu, dia akan jenguk aku dari her side of the bed over the bolster. And sometimes, kalau dia ada mood, she will kiss me, or sometimes put her hands on my chin. Most of the time, she will just senyum senyum and lay her head 1" from my face and watch me sleep. Kalau dia dah fed up aku still tak bangun (actuallynyer dah bangun tapi pura2 tido la) she will just jerit Mama!! very loudly of course and climbed over the bolster to get to me.

2. Masa nak tido

I love putting cenonet to sleep. Nowadays she has a penchant for 'awawakbar' = Allahuakbar. Maknanya i have to recite some doa ke, fatihah ke dan yang seangkatan dengan nya. Thank god for this, coz she used to undergo 'barney's phase' yang membingitkan kan telinga aku. This is how she sleep..instead of sleeping on her pillow - well pillow was just there to prevent her banging her head on kepala katil, she was 'trained' to sleep without pillow since birth - she will put her head on the bolster. and most of the time she will grab my hand and place it on her tummy. But what i love most is when caress my arm up and down and play with my bulu roma. And when the mood strike, she will climb the bolster, sleep tummy down on the bolster with my hand hugging her. Sementara nak tido tu, macam macam la perangai dia, one of which, she will ask me to lift the pillow up, and she will go hide her face under the pillow and cakap.."maaa sha lang, aik"= "mama sha dah hilang, cari".

3. When she follows hubby to pick me up from work

One thing u must know, cenonet has this crazy bottom-curl hair. And by the end of the day (and early morning) the hair will cover her face. She looked cutely comot that makes u wanna kiss her and bite her at the same time. Kalau dia ikut papa pick me up from work, she will be on stand by at Papa's lap with head on the window and a big grin on her face. And when she spot me coming down from the stairs accros the road, she will shout Mama very loudly and the grin will turn into a big wide smile. There was even this one time, I heard her yelling Mama over and over even before she spot me. And hubby was telling me, the minute she saw McD near my office, she'll say mama.

Thats the highlight of my day. Every day!